you and him and me and you
a poem in three parts
it started
we smoked that one cigarette
each puffing
letting the dizziness sink in
taking us to our own little world
even as I stood in the circle of your arms
I thought of him.
the way he used to hold me
the way he made love to me.
I thought I was over him
at least I wanted to be
but now I’m having second thoughts.
or thirds.
or fourths.
I wish I could block my emotions
the way I block my thoughts
pushing them out with sound waves
maybe not out
maybe just further in
but you, you need to be extracted
like a thorn
from my heart
* * *
at first all I wanted
was to cut you out of my life
like gangrene on a rotting limb
our relationship rotted
despite how it looked
like one of those beautiful flowers
that smells of death
and I did.
it was easy.
then, all I wanted
was to cut you, deep
to hurt you, the way you hurt me
or at least the way I thought you had
all you did was love too much
care too much
fall too deep
like the kindhearted person you are
you tried too hard
and I did.
it was not so easy.
now, all I want,
is to extract your memories from my head
your stake in my heart
as painlessly as I can
but it hurts too much
and even as I look at him
I think of you
blasphemy, I know
and that it should happen now
but wounds so deep
take long to heal.

* * *

One day, I’ll be over you
I think.
I hope.
I used to think the pain would go away
but now I’m not so sure.
But it will.
It has to.

It has.